On grief.

I had intended for my next post to be about mass incarceration. Or sexual assault. Or homelessness. But instead, it's about grief because it's what I need to write.

I had not planned on being overly personal here, despite this being my domain. The goal was to develop my professional self while sharing thoughts on societal problems and potential solutions. Then I realized something: my professional life is always going to be molded by what is happening in my personal life, for better or for worse. And so I am going to write about grief.

In less than two years, I have grieved the loss of five people in my life. Young people. Not that death at any age is easy, but I feel it's so much harder to process when you see a future disappear in front of you. 

Five.

Overdoses. Suicides. An accident. 

All things that were preventable by some measure. A death during every semester of graduate school, beginning with the day I took the GREs and finished my application to a second master's degree just in the nick of time. Mostly recently, a week ago today.

I cannot say I have ever been good at grieving or loss. Then again, I haven't always been great at emotions except compartmentalizing them. So here I am, full of emotions, having them happen all at once. Maybe I've snapped here at death #5 or that it came as I was bracing myself for the year anniversary of my cousin's passing, so now I have extra emotions. Regardless, they're here, which has led me to cry for a week straight, at the office, in class, on the bus. 

It's always been hard for me to not see my emotions as weakness. Perhaps I've hidden them away so I didn't fit the "hysterical female" archetype. Maybe I just felt that I had to be strong when I saw so many other people in pain. Even now, I am having trouble allowing my grief to be valid because maybe I don't deserve to be in the same pain like so many others are. 

I don't have the answers. I feel like I hit every stage of grief every day, like a cycle, although I've been the angriest I've ever been this time. I've made jokes to deflect the pain, which is something I do when I'm uncomfortable period. I've had my "It's Not Fair" meltdowns several times this week. 

All I know is that grief is natural, and I am working to be better at allowing myself the space to mourn, reflect, and cherish the memories I have with each loved one I've lost. Even now, as I write this, tears are pouring down my face and I'm struggling to see the screen through them. There's really no point to this post other than to say: Be kind to yourself. Your feelings are valid. Give yourself the space to feel.

I'm trying to do just that.

"I was more or less talking about working through the hard times, because there's always gonna be those. The drive to get through them is something that'll make you feel able to do anything in the future, because you already have, so you know you can."

One of the first messages my friend, Justin, sent me after my life fell apart while living in Philadelphia nearly a decade ago. Little did he know, his words are now helping me grieve his loss.